Living is Easy with Eyes Closed |
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields. Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about. Strawberry Fields forever. |
Memories Ice Cold Flooding my nostrils Filling Up my Lungs Leaving my voice inaudible My screams muffled The fear Creeping Stalking Drowning Drowning Me Pulling me deep into the darkness into the abyss Reminding me I can’t escape Fate
I see you- your dark blue eyes, unmistakable ears, the scar on your elbow
the one that looks like a smudge of dirt
I reach out to you
My arms stretch and stretch
but there is nothing
Suddenly
Like a carpet
one hundred seventy nine miles unroll between us
But I will scream for you until my voice leaves me
Reach until my muscles give out
Write letters until you return
Love you for an eternity
You are the sun, the stars, the moon; the only thing that matters.
As I plunge forward through life, looking brightly ahead at the future, it is only natural to reflect on the past.
The worst year of my life was without a doubt 2008 – Subsequently 2008 full of life lessons.
First and foremost I learned about loss. Loss of love, loss of companionship, loss of self esteem, loss of friendship…
Two years is a long time to live with someone, love someone, revolve around someone. & in retrospect it was as much my fault as his. But still that evening when he arrived home from work, and left as quickly as he came, I’d never felt more victimized, and more so shell shocked. I waited for him to come to his senses, return home, but that never happened. I came home from work a few days later to an empty apartment.
I had never felt more alone, rejected, and broken.
Then in the midst of all this pain I met some people who I thought could lift me out of the fog. I had never relied on a group of girlfriends, mostly because I felt that a large group of girls could only result in one thing: cattiness. These girls however were so different. They taught me some incredibly important lessons about trust and openness.
In a few short months I was over my lost relationship. I had moved on, made a different set of friends, and I felt free of the depression that had overwhelmed me. I had a new romance … I was going out… about to graduate… so incredibly happy. This group of girls had helped me on my way and I was so grateful. I felt that I could completely trust them. I felt that they understood me and loved me for what I was, faults and all.
But just as quickly as I became friends with them, I realized that I once again had placed all my eggs in one basket. As they started turning on me one by one, I was back to square one. Once again in retrospect I can take on some of the blame (never fall in love with your friends brother), although even now I think that mostly it was jealousy and misunderstandings that brought this upon me.
In the middle of all of this mess, he killed himself. I packed up the day after graduation and moved home to Augusta. I erased everyone in my life who caused me pain and even anyone who was in the middle of all the girl drama (I couldn’t bear feeling like I couldn’t trust someone I was friends with)
I once again started to pick up the pieces. I started interning at a local non-profit, and eventually that internship turned into a career. I spent more time with my family and my old friends in Augusta. I even made some new friends, who have proved to stand the test of time.
However the year wasn’t over, I still had a few months to go.
My last lesson was about letting go. My “new romance” had turned into an “off and on again” romance wherein every time I felt I had moved on, he returned to confuse me all over again. Our long distance relationship proved to be difficult, paired with the fact his sister (who he loved very much, rightfully so) hated me with every fiber of her being. Despite all of the difficulties he finally uttered the words I had never heard from him before “ I love you” and even better “I want to move in with you.” But these fantasies lasted but a short while, and I ended up being left alone in a hotel room in the middle of West Columbia because he was afraid to commit.
That day I went and changed my phone number. I had finally moved on.
Months pasted and I had gotten rid of all the toxic people and situations in my life.
I learned how to be alone. I learned to trust again. I learned that I could find people who really love me despite all of my (many) faults.
I had fallen, but I never gave up. I knew that I deserved happiness and that one day (with a lot of work) I could find it again.
And then on March 12, 2009 I learned how to love again.
Dave Matthews Band
It’s like a noose wrapped around my throat
The last breath you took
The day the flowers choked, withered, rotted away
& I’ve tried to forget, move on
But each year it becomes more difficult to fight the
Sickening Sweet Stench
The darkness you tried to save me from, shield me from
& now I’ll never let go,
Or be free from the punishment
Of words left unsaid
This is just the tide. Flowing in and out, and I am caught in the middle.
No longer do I fight the current, instead I let it wash over me, take me under
Drowning doesn’t necessarily mean death
Just Rebirth