Living is Easy with Eyes Closed

Memories

Ice Cold

Flooding my nostrils

Filling Up my Lungs

Leaving my voice inaudible

My screams muffled

 

The fear

Creeping

Stalking

Drowning

            Drowning Me

Pulling me deep

into the darkness

into the abyss

Reminding me

 I can’t escape

             Fate

I see you- your dark blue eyes, unmistakable ears, the scar on your elbow

the one that looks like a smudge of dirt

 I reach out to you

My arms stretch and stretch

but there is nothing

 

Suddenly

 

Like a carpet

one hundred seventy nine miles unroll between us

 

But I will scream for you until my voice leaves me

Reach until my muscles give out

Write letters until you return

Love you for an eternity

 

 

You are the sun, the stars, the moon; the only thing that matters.

As I plunge forward through life, looking brightly ahead at the future, it is only natural to reflect on the past.

 

The worst year of my life was without a doubt 2008 – Subsequently 2008 full of life lessons.

 

First and foremost I learned about loss. Loss of love, loss of companionship, loss of self esteem, loss of friendship…

 

Two years is a long time to live with someone, love someone, revolve around someone. & in retrospect it was as much my fault as his. But still that evening when he arrived home from work, and left as quickly as he came, I’d never felt more victimized, and more so shell shocked. I waited for him to come to his senses, return home, but that never happened. I came home from work a few days later to an empty apartment.

 

I had never felt more alone, rejected, and broken.

 

Then in the midst of all this pain I met some people who I thought could lift me out of the fog. I had never relied on a group of girlfriends, mostly because I felt that a large group of girls could only result in one thing: cattiness. These girls however were so different. They taught me some incredibly important lessons about trust and openness.

 

In a few short months I was over my lost relationship. I had moved on, made a different set of friends, and I felt free of the depression that had overwhelmed me. I had a new romance … I was going out… about to graduate… so incredibly happy. This group of girls had helped me on my way and I was so grateful. I felt that I could completely trust them. I felt that they understood me and loved me for what I was, faults and all.

 

But just as quickly as I became friends with them, I realized that I once again had placed all my eggs in one basket. As they started turning on me one by one, I was back to square one. Once again in retrospect I can take on some of the blame (never fall in love with your friends brother), although even now I think that mostly it was jealousy and misunderstandings that brought this upon me.

 

In the middle of all of this mess, he killed himself. I packed up the day after graduation and moved home to Augusta. I erased everyone in my life who caused me pain and even anyone who was in the middle of all the girl drama (I couldn’t bear feeling like I couldn’t trust someone I was friends with)

 

I once again started to pick up the pieces. I started interning at a local non-profit, and eventually that internship turned into a career. I spent more time with my family and my old friends in Augusta. I even made some new friends, who have proved to stand the test of time.

 

However the year wasn’t over, I still had a few months to go.

 

My last lesson was about letting go. My “new romance” had turned into an “off and on again” romance wherein every time I felt I had moved on, he returned to confuse me all over again.  Our long distance relationship proved to be difficult, paired with the fact his sister (who he loved very much, rightfully so) hated me with every fiber of her being. Despite all of the difficulties he finally uttered the words I had never heard from him before “ I love you” and even better “I want to move in with you.” But these fantasies lasted but a short while, and I ended up being left alone in a hotel room in the middle of West Columbia because he was afraid to commit.

 

That day I went and changed my phone number. I had finally moved on.

 

Months pasted and I had gotten rid of all the toxic people and situations in my life.

 

I learned how to be alone. I learned to trust again. I learned that I could find people who really love me despite all of my (many) faults.

 

I had fallen, but I never gave up. I knew that I deserved happiness and that one day (with a lot of work) I could find it again.

 

And then on March 12, 2009 I learned how to love again.

Dave Matthews Band

It’s like a noose wrapped around my throat

The last breath you took

The day the flowers choked, withered, rotted away

& I’ve tried to forget, move on

But each year it becomes more difficult to fight the

Sickening Sweet Stench

The darkness you tried to save me from, shield me from

& now I’ll never let go,

Or be free from the punishment

Of words left unsaid

This is just the tide. Flowing in and out, and I am caught in the middle.

No longer do I fight the current, instead I let it wash over me, take me under

Drowning doesn’t necessarily mean death

Just Rebirth